As I’ve shared I am separated and getting a divorce. Check Out this Video

I have not even told some of my family this because of the backlash. The you should work it outs, and all the other nonsense that translates to “Fuck your happiness stay married”

While I tried to maintain my relationship and work it out; it took everything out of me, especially my confidence and self esteem. With all of that happening I stayed in my bad relationship for a while.

Why I Stayed In My Bad Relationship: 

  1. I felt like this was the best I could do and it was as good as it gets. I really felt like I couldn’t do any better. 
  2. I was manipulated. Every time I hinted that I was leaving I was threathened, since I’m being totally honest here deportation was one of those threats. I wasn’t here illegally I was waiting on my green card and my work authorization was expiring. (I just didn’t know any better so his threats of knowing people and getting my green card revoked worked). 
  3. I was 80% financially dependent on him. 
  4. I didn’t want to disappoint people around. I was ready and willing to be unhappy just not to disappoint people close to me or admit that it didn’t work. (In fact I actually disappointed some people by staying. I was depressed and not fun to be around)
  5. I was afraid to lose what I had. Though I knew what I had wasn’t perfect I felt like having that was better than whatever else was out there.

Have you ever stayed in a bad relationship? Why? 

If you left right away what prompted you end it? 

So there’s a new dating term “stashing”. 

What’s Stashing? When the person you’re dating won’t let you meet their family or friends. Also there is no social media evidence of your relationship. Pretty much there’s no evidence nor knowledge of your relationship and you’re a secret.

Though the term “stashing” is new, I don’t think the practice is not new at all. I’ve seen this throughout my life; my brother or uncles dating girls and letting no one know. And I’d know because I wanted to play games on their cellphones and computers and I’m just plain nosey. 

I’ve been a stasher before. There were also attempts of making me a stashee.

This is not quite a term but I definitely believe there could be partial stashing. With “partial stashing” you are introduced to people but not the people who matter. You meet friends who are probably just acquaintances or an extended family member that the rest of the family doesn’t talk to and means nothing to the stasher. You are kept secret from the most important people in the stashers life so you don’t know you’re actually being stashed. 

Moving along, I feel like there are very few valid reasons for stashing but these are only acceptable in the early stages of a relationship in my opinion.

  1. It’s too soon to be public. You’ve been dating for 3+ months and that person still needs time before going public. Don’t rush to have your relationship in the public eye enjoy that relationship bubble. 
  2. Haven’t met parents? Maybe his parents live in a different country. My parents and most of my family live in Antigua and other countries most of my exes have never met them. So in the earlier stages of a relations

Other reasons you’re probably being stashed.

  1. Most obvious reason is cheating. You’re probably the other woman.  and you’re kept secret for that reason. 
  2. He’s ashamed to be with you. So he doesn’t want anyone to know. You deserve to be with someone who is proud of you.

But overall stashing is a horrible practice that ruins romances. If you’re being stashed find out the reason why, be sure to weed through the bullshit reasons, don’t let them turn it on you and make you feel worthless. 

Have you ever been stashed or stashed someone? Why did you do it or how did you feel if you were the stashee?

So I have been iffy about actually typing this because I felt like it was getting too personal but on of the topics I cover is relationships and friendship are relationships. So for the week I only spoke to 3 girls and I went on a girlfriend date with an old friend. 

The scope of this is not necessarily just me talking about making friends, but just the entire progress of talking to other girls with intent being friends. I can go up and talk to a guy and be friends or more without being nervous. In other states and countries it’s easy to strike up a conversation with others and build a friendship. However it’s pretty a bit more nerve wrecking to go up to a girl and just have a quick chat and start a friendship in Manhattan. People are always busy and going somewhere, and are probably on guard because well people come up with create ways to pan handle. 

My Girl Date: So my girl date with an old friend. 

Background: I’ve known her for about 4 years, we communicated mostly on social media because that’s her preference. We hang out 2-3 times a year because she live 1.5 hrs away, and she works on weekends when I am generally free and able to commute. 

Date: She spent the entire time on the phone,  or posting on social media. She was so into her phone she left without actually saying “bye.” I’m actually still in WTF mode because I’ve never seen that.  

My friend is newly single and she had been in a committed domestic partnership the entire time I’ve known her. In the past when we went out she’s never been this fixated on her phone and social media, we’ve also went out on double and group dates also.

Because I’m in a relationship I don’t think I should only have friends who are in relationships. I’d have to change my friends every time my relationship status changed. 

Do you think people in relationships should only have friends also in relationships?

 

So today I was pretty much brainstorming for posts and my boyfriend’s idea was I’ll say it in his words:

“Why don’t you open up more about your life on your lifestyle blog? Why don’t you blog about not having friends in New York and talk about your journey making girl friends on your blog? I’m pretty sure there are other people lile you who probably blog and have no friends and are scared to write about it” Then he pretty much went on saying I should go out more and meet girls and go on friend dates and document it.

Well I was not going to write this at all. I felt it was a bit too personal and I initially cared about what people would think, I thought I’d be considered weird, desperate for friends or even a loser. Then moments later I didn’t give a f**k and started writing this. 

So here it is I have no close girl friends near me really, I have a lot of people I speak to, mainly via text or social media and hang out with perhaps once or twice a year because they are too busy and we live too far apart.

When it comes to having one or a group of girl friends that I can hang out with, and confide in that doesn’t exist for me. I just have my boyfriend and my brother.

I reflected a bit and came up with possible reasons why I don’t have any close female relationships:

  1. I alienated myself from people after college and starting a new career. I was the person who was always too busy to hanging out and would respond to text days later.
  2. Oh if you look way back when I started blogging, I was married, he hated me talking to and hanging out with single friends and having any friends really and I was pretty much alienated from everyone. Let’s just leave that crap chapter of my life at that.
  3. I was extremely insecure with myself stemming from issues from item 2 so I barely went out nor socialized.

So let’s proceed; I used to be a very social person, went out often and was really friendly. A bad relationship can change you without you realizing it at all, I became introverted, shy and insecure with myself entirely. 

I’m now back to a point where I’m not insecure, I accept myself, more social, I am positive all the time and I’d like to make some female friends. I’d like for my boyfriend to not have to hear all my lady drama, or have to go shopping with me and act like he notices the difference between nail polish and lipstick colors.

My goal is to speak to 5-7 women each week, online or in person, and go on at least one girl date each week. 

I am going to attempt to reach out to old friends, also get the hell out of my apartment more and go out, go to the gym, and places filled with people that may be similar to me to make girl friends and also try online and exploring friend apps. 

If you don’t have close girl friends you are not alone, I hope sharing my journey to making friends will help you. 

So there’s a saying or really the advice given to boys and men. Find the most insecure girls and practice on them everything you need to know about dating and relationships so that you’re a pro when you find a girl you really like.

Don’t be that practice girl. Be more secure with yourself. 

  1. Stop thinking negatively. It’s really easy to just think negatively, it’s inevitable. We even say negative things out loud about ourselves like “I’m so ugly”, “My body isn’t sexy” just to get validation or reassurance. Well stop! Say positive things about yourself always. This will allow you to be more confident.
  2. Stop comparing yourself to others. This will damage your self esteem. no matter what kind of comparison it is whether physical, career, intellectual, etc. You should recognize the beauty within, accept that you’re a unique and beautiful person.
  3. Celebrate you. Recognize and celebrate your strengths . Take some time each day or when needed to think and be more aware of yourself.  Identify everything great about you, write a list if you need to and celebrate those things about you.
  4. Give yourself some TLC. Up your hygiene, eat health, exercise, buy new clothes that make you feel better about yourself, and get enough sleep.
  5. Manage your finances better. You may feel insecure because you’re finances are not in order. Try cutting back on expenses, creating a budget and sticking to it, and make more frugal purchases.