Before I got into a serious relationship, dating was complicated. It was hard to figure out who was dating you for the long haul or if you were just a fling.  I was not secure with my body, (Thankful I am able to love myself completely now) because of that, whenever someone was interested in me I’d be ecstatic. Then I realized those relationships weren’t going anywhere or there wasn’t a real connection because I was just a fetish because of my skin color, body type and accent. 

Having fetishes aren’t the problem. And we’re allowed to have our dating preferences. But having your entire being and existence just be reduced to an object of sexual desire and gratification for someone was not a great feeling. Also a total waste of your time when you’re looking for something serious, and looking forward to having a real connection with someone.

There were a ton of red flags indicating I was being fetishized (and fetishized racially):

  1. There is an excessive amount of compliments. Compliments are great especially when you feel like the rest of society doesn’t feel that way about you. But the compliments are also really strange. Like your shade of black is complimented and being compared to a celeb you look nothing like.
  2. He doesn’t want to you to make certain physical changes to your body. For me I started working out, and I would hear things like “You don’t need to workout or lose weight, I don’t think I’d be that into you if you were skinny”. 
  3. It could be the opposite, he would want you to make ridiculous physical changes. For example getting plastic surgery for bigger boobs or buttocks.
  4. Most of time you see each other it’s for sex or sexual purposes.
  5. You mainly meet in places sex can occur.
  6. Sex is mainly about playing out his fantasies. (And can have a racial twist to it). It also gets boring because it can even get very identical to the previous time.
  7. This person wants you to act a certain way that is stereotypical. For some guys NOT speaking in my thickest Antiguan accent was annoying to him because it’s such a “turn on”. And for others the expectation that I listened to rap and hip hop music a lot or mainly was huge red flag. Not saying Antiguans don’t listen to rap or hip hop but I don’t. But I grew up listening to Calypso, Soca, Reggae and dance hall music but he didn’t understand that because he wanted me or expected me to act like a stereotype of a black person from Brooklyn. 
  8. Phone conversations and text messages are entirely sexual. That’s if you even have phone conversations. In addition always wanting you to send pictures. They don’t necessarily have to be nudes. 

Because of my insecurities about myself because of my weight I ignored these red flags for a while. I happy that I am now able to love myself. Self-love is true freedom.

The above events do not necessarily mean you are being fetishized, and there a bunch of other ways you can be fetishized, I am simply sharing my dating experiences that made me feel like I was being fetishized.

Anyway pay attention to who you are dating

You May Just Be a Fetish to Him

Relationships are complex. They have their ups and downs. So how do you know if you’re happy in your relationship? Find out here. 

  1. Most things that should or would usually annoy you that your partner does, doesn’t. 
  2. You are yourself entirely, no filter, no second thoughts about what to say or do.

    No pretending whatsoever. 
  3. You smile and giggle to yourself thinking about your relationship often.
  4. You talk about your relationship and your significant other non stop, and every chance you get because you’re proud of them and happy to be with them.
  5. Family and friends tell you how happy you seem, and perhaps how better you look. They notice a positive change in you, probably even tell you that you have a glow. 
  6. You easily let go of negative shit. You don’t bring up things from the past or even feel the need to. 
  7. You trust this person. You don’t second guess, snoop or go inspector gadget
  8. You have sex as often as you both wish. Your don’t beg for it or feel like you have too. If your partner is tired you get it, simply because you guys are on the same wave length. (And with the #doitforthedchallenge you probably actually do all of that because you’re so happy)
  9. Still on the sex topic; the sex is better because you connect on this level that is beyond physical. It’s this deep emotional level that is cannot be explained. 
  10. You fight and argue productively. You argue to get to an agreement and work through thing not just because. The fights actually end, probably in sex and two happy people. 

Now I’ll just leave a random relationship quote for you.

Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom. – Rabindranath Tagore

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You already know you shouldn’t settle for less than you deserve. But having someone to share your life with is an amazing thing, and sometimes we settle without even realizing it. 

Signs You’ve Just ‘Settled’ for your Partner

With Bitmoji

  1. You spend a lot of time trying to convince yourself that you’re happy. 
  2. You often think of how your partner could be different.I’m not talking about growth but him being different and not true to himself.  
  3. You are not confident of proud introducing him to close friends or family so you probably don’t. (#stashing)
  4. You have a routine with your partner. There’s no spontaneity or even surprises and you find yourself being bored.  
  5. You probably flirt a lot with other people for excitement since your relationship is so routine
  6. You constantly compare your partner to other people, and even compare your relationship to other relationships. 
  7. You often feel trapped.

    You’ve invested time and money into your relationship, made plans and memories so you rather not break it off but you still just don’t feel content. 

There’s Mr. Right and then there is Mr.Right For You. Its difficult admitting to yourself that something in your life isn’t working. When another person’s feelings are involved things can get ugly. However no one deserves to settle or be settled on. The more this is dragged out the harder it would be to let go of something that isn’t working and the more painful it would be. 

As I’ve shared I am separated and getting a divorce. Check Out this Video

I have not even told some of my family this because of the backlash. The you should work it outs, and all the other nonsense that translates to “Fuck your happiness stay married”

While I tried to maintain my relationship and work it out; it took everything out of me, especially my confidence and self esteem. With all of that happening I stayed in my bad relationship for a while.

Why I Stayed In My Bad Relationship: 

  1. I felt like this was the best I could do and it was as good as it gets. I really felt like I couldn’t do any better. 
  2. I was manipulated. Every time I hinted that I was leaving I was threathened, since I’m being totally honest here deportation was one of those threats. I wasn’t here illegally I was waiting on my green card and my work authorization was expiring. (I just didn’t know any better so his threats of knowing people and getting my green card revoked worked). 
  3. I was 80% financially dependent on him. 
  4. I didn’t want to disappoint people around. I was ready and willing to be unhappy just not to disappoint people close to me or admit that it didn’t work. (In fact I actually disappointed some people by staying. I was depressed and not fun to be around)
  5. I was afraid to lose what I had. Though I knew what I had wasn’t perfect I felt like having that was better than whatever else was out there.

Have you ever stayed in a bad relationship? Why? 

If you left right away what prompted you end it? 

So there’s a new dating term “stashing”. 

What’s Stashing? When the person you’re dating won’t let you meet their family or friends. Also there is no social media evidence of your relationship. Pretty much there’s no evidence nor knowledge of your relationship and you’re a secret.

Though the term “stashing” is new, I don’t think the practice is not new at all. I’ve seen this throughout my life; my brother or uncles dating girls and letting no one know. And I’d know because I wanted to play games on their cellphones and computers and I’m just plain nosey. 

I’ve been a stasher before. There were also attempts of making me a stashee.

This is not quite a term but I definitely believe there could be partial stashing. With “partial stashing” you are introduced to people but not the people who matter. You meet friends who are probably just acquaintances or an extended family member that the rest of the family doesn’t talk to and means nothing to the stasher. You are kept secret from the most important people in the stashers life so you don’t know you’re actually being stashed. 

Moving along, I feel like there are very few valid reasons for stashing but these are only acceptable in the early stages of a relationship in my opinion.

  1. It’s too soon to be public. You’ve been dating for 3+ months and that person still needs time before going public. Don’t rush to have your relationship in the public eye enjoy that relationship bubble. 
  2. Haven’t met parents? Maybe his parents live in a different country. My parents and most of my family live in Antigua and other countries most of my exes have never met them. So in the earlier stages of a relations

Other reasons you’re probably being stashed.

  1. Most obvious reason is cheating. You’re probably the other woman.  and you’re kept secret for that reason. 
  2. He’s ashamed to be with you. So he doesn’t want anyone to know. You deserve to be with someone who is proud of you.

But overall stashing is a horrible practice that ruins romances. If you’re being stashed find out the reason why, be sure to weed through the bullshit reasons, don’t let them turn it on you and make you feel worthless. 

Have you ever been stashed or stashed someone? Why did you do it or how did you feel if you were the stashee?